*Sighing In Relief*

Well, glad to say that I have recovered from my last post. Talked and worked things out with my significant other. I've been feeling a lot better since then. And then of course, I am happy because FINALS ARE FINALLY OVER!!!! I am so happy! I've been done since Tuesday at eleven, but I just decided to stay on campus just for the hell of it. Yea, call me crazy, but hell I don't ever get to just relax during the week with no classes to go to and having the freedom to just chill and get up whenever I want to without being obligated to do something. This man I know laughed and called me foul, lol, but oh well. I mean what I say. Anyhoo, moving on...

So, I am kind of addicted to watching crazy ass Tiffany Pollard off of I Love New York and the reason being is because of the delicious man to the left. Ladies Buddha is very good for the shows ratings. Hell, I know that's what I like to tune in for. We all know that she's gonna pick him at the end of the show. Tailor Made? Hell no. She should've eliminated his geeky lookin' ass off the show a long time ago, but we know New York and we know that she's in love with money, and Tailor Made is the perfect man to supply her kind of love. But,enough of Tailor Made..back to this lovely man.

Buddha oozes masculinity. I usually believe that New york is fakin' when it comes to her dramatic emotions, but when she says that she don't know what to do with herself when it comes to Buddha, I believe her. Dude is tight. He know just what to do to get Miss New York wrapped around his finger. He know all he gotta do in a heated argument with her is to walk the hell away and she'll come runnin' after. At elimination, she's always talkin' about what kind of man she needs; someone who's gon' keep her in check and yada yada yada, and all the while Buddha always, without fail in the line with the other men, with his hand in his damn pocket smirkin' 'cause he knows she's talking about him. And another reason I think that she like Buddha so much is because he ain't got no problem checking her ass when she need it, and he don't trip all over himself to get her to like him and I think she likes it. That's a man for you. Like I said, dude is hot, he knows what he's doin', he's got a gorgeous body, a sexy ass attitude and it is such a damn turn-on :). Anyhoo...

I got so much to do in the next week or so when it comes to gifts. I just got with US Bank. They had this hot promotion on campus where if you start a bank account with them, put a hundred dollars in the bank, spend seventy-five anywhere you want, bring the receipt back to that location, and they'll put seventy-five back into your account. Sound good right? Yea. Hell yea. So I jumped on it and whatnot. I haven't spent the seventy-five yet 'cause I gotta wait to get my Visa card 'cause it has to be done on credit. Then, an added bonus was our textbook buyback that we have at the end of every semester and I made sixty-five off my textbooks. That was part of my boo's Christmas gift! So I have yet to get my other gifts. I gotta get my baby the rest of what I'm getting him, my mother something, my little brother, and then me and my girls are doing the Secret Santa thing, so I gotta come up with somethin' nice for my favorite (that's something we call each other)! I'm not sure what to get her. I'll probably get her a basket of smell-goods or something...no woman can resist things that make her smell wonderful!

So that's what's been good in my life and I think that's all for today....unless something major happens or one of those what the f*** moments...I'm sure everyone can relate to those.

So until then....

Bull~ish Ranting

-Why???? Why is what I keep askin' myself when it comes to you. If it's not this, it's something else. I mean I'm happy, but there are some things that you aren't measuring up in.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I need to do some searching for me on the inside. I mean, 'cause you always think you know something about yourself, until yet another mirror is held up in front of your face and then, like me, you don't like what the hell you see.

There's this saying that goes something like, "Whoever angers you, controls you," or something like that. But what more can I do. I have given you everything, every part of me. I haven't denied you ANYTHING. So I have no choice, BUT to get mad when you do something to piss me off.

What I hate the most is that I can be talking to you and you act like you don't give a shit about what the hell I'm talkin' about, but then let it be somebody else and you got all ears and conversation ready. I'm tired of complainin' about the shit. I don't give a damn anymore. I am choosing this day to not let it get under my skin anymore. It's gon' be a hard process, but I am dog-determined to force myself to not let it get to me. But the more I think about it, I shouldn't have to do such a thing. But for so long, that's how it's been. The relations between me and you versus you and them. I hold you in such high regard, that you don't have to worry about the kind of shit I constantly complain about. Talking about it seemed like a fair way to settle things, but you grow tired of having "talks" about the same shit. I just hope we can get past this. I really am gon' try to do me. It's not that I don't feel the same, but I just gotta be me. Hell, I'm too young for this crap. I'm in school and I should not be stressin about NOTHING. Maybe, just maybe I should give you a dose of your own medicine....NAH...I would definitely seem immature and childish to play the game of, "you did it to me, so I'm gonna do it to you." That ain't gon' do nothin, but piss me off in the long run, knowin that I had to act foolish just to make my point to you and for you to GET IT! I'm not holdin' myself back anymore. Yea, you might think I'm trippin' but in reality, I'm doing this for me. For MY sanity. For MY happiness.

There's not a more important lesson to be learned, than to have learned that you can't depend on NOONE solely for your happiness except for yourself and God.

You see, for so long, I had relied on you to be my happiness because of all the SHIT I used to go through and you always seemed to be there, being my rider on a white horse. You see, I replaced the Ultimate Rider for you, and that was dumb. But I'm so stubborn. I always gotta learn things the hard way. I guess that is where I am at this point. Before I go any further, I have to stop and tend to myself. I have tended to you for so long, that I have forgotten what it feels like to just live for myself and my own happiness. I've catered to you for so long. Of course, you haven't really lost much from yourself, 'cause I really don't feel as if you have been invested as much as I have. You've managed to fool me into being all about you, while you have appeared to be about me and did other FUCKED UP SHIT thinking that I would never find out.

Now, I have to do all this damn "damage repair" to myself that it seems like a never-ending, tedious task. But it's all worth it. I GOTTA do me. I can't be like this no longer. I'm sorry if it seems like I ain't bein' myself, but I have TO DO ME. At all times. You living young and carefree, with a sense of me. So I'm gon' be me and do me and live young and carefree, with a sense of you.

Now, I don't want to badger you, and act like you ain't done nothing for me. You have done a lot for me and treated me well, better than I believed you would. But at the same time, it pains me because you have pained me so much. But I don't know....I just want to break free from all this. But I just don't know how.....

The pains of love....Love hurts. But is it supposed to? You tell me.

I Don't Mean To Bite, But...

I got outta class today and had the weirdest dream. It had all started 'cause I was hungry and had been cravin' for Chinese food for about a week. So me, being my thoughtful self, asked my boo if he wanted some Chinese food too, then that way we could retreat back to my room, chill and fill our bellies. So after we ate and everything, I got sleepy and passed out on my boo.
Now, I don't mean to bite, because I know another blogger that I love to read posted about a weird n' wacky dream she had, but I felt like I had to post this 'cause it just made no sense. It's kind of long, but please, bear with me

Thing's that happened in the beginning are pretty vague. My boyfriend is in the dream and he screws five women. Somehow, there was a reason behind why he did. It was two white girls and three black girls that he had sex with. He did them all kind of back to back throughout the day. I don't know how, but somehow I could see it going on periodically. And there were like internet pictures or videos from a cell phone or something. I remember saying something like,
" You must've caught her right when she was about to cum," because of the intense look on her face. She had looked like she was about to cry and I saw his hand rested on her boob. It was like I was lookin' at her in a snapshot or something. Weird. Anyhoo...He responded by saying,
"Yea, she was," smiling when he said it. I remember throughout the dream becoming bitter because it hurt me to think of him screwing or making love to someone else. I ended up having random attitudes with him and saying smart ass comments about his sexual relations especially if we were together and would run into one of the women he had sex with. The women would always try to flash him a sexy smile and say, "Hey DJ." I would constantly make comments about him having sex with other women, pissed off because I felt like I would have to die not being able to experience other men's sex. He would always say I knew the reason why he had to do it (although when I woke up, I couldn't remember for the life of me, why he did it).

I remembered saying something to him about it one last time. Then suddenly, I was in either MY car or A car (I can't remember). I remember my car was going downhill in the direction of the Multipurpose Building in front of Natt/Brad.
For some odd reason the track team was having practice in this ditch ( it's really not a ditch there) in front of Houts/Hosey. I remember seeing one of the runners that I know, Eric Moore, because I was trying not to hit him with my car. I had something in my hand, I believe it was food and I was trying to bust a u-ie in the street, but I couldn't really do it becaues I didn't want to fall in the ditch and then I didn't want to hit the cars that were on the street. The street did seem narrower than normal. I finally get turned around and then I'm suddenly in between these cars and the curb. So, I look ahead and it's no longer the dorms, it's some kind of building and i see two police officers staring at me. I figure I'm already in trouble with them for turning bad, so I just drive on up, praying I don't hit these other cars. All the while, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, while driving up there.

The surroundings change and my car is parked in a car garage or something like it. I get out the car and all of a sudden, it starts to rain hard as hell, so hard that when some hit me, it was a little painful. I'm standing in the middle of the garage and suddenly, people start running in screaming, heading in for shelter from the rain. The rain then starts blowing into the garage at full force and then the middle floor of the garage starts coming up and reveals a stairway that leads down underground into what is probably a "safe" spot in case of bad weather. A voice comes over in a loud speaker, compelling people to get in if they fear for their safety. I can't remember whether or not he says whether it's a tornado or a hurricane seconds away from where he stands. It's pure chaos around me as I try to figure out whether or not I'll go down. He starts counting down from 60 seconds telling people, almost pleading, to go down in the safe place so that lives can be saved. People are screaming and I can faintly see to the bottom and lights are flickering and water is leaking in. It's so far down I can't help but be a little scared and think what if I can't get out from down there, but at the same time I don't want to be caught in the storm because things are getting pretty bad. What if I get stuck? But when he gets to ten seconds, my mind is made up. I jump down hurriedly just as the top of this thing is closing.

The surroundings change once again and I'm talking to my old suitemate she's taking wet clothes out of this huge, oversized dryer that's set in the wall of this underground shelter. I'm sitting down talking and laughing and then I wake up with an intense, painful headache wondering what the hell it all meant. I'm puzzled...what y'all think?

Rambling to My Heart's Content

So I finally got to talk to my Greek friend today. We were all together with fellow dancers and we were doing this activity where we were all rotating one on one with each other, telling each other how we appreciated each other and the such. I had had some other folk tell me how they appreciated the fact that they could always count on me to be real and I felt like today was the day that I had to let sistah gurl know how I had been feeling about the things she chose to say to me that related to her organization. So I told her and she, of course, told me that she was just playing and the such and I forgave her. It was such a relief to me to get that off my chest so...whoo! I'm glad that's ova and done with!

NEXT WEEK ARE FINALS!! Oh my goodness! Finals was aight in high school. They were only somewhat difficult because you know, finals went over EVERYTHING taught that semester. But I know in my heart of hearts that college finals ain't nothin to mess with. So I'm gon' get to studyin ASAP! My buttt should have started studying weeks ago, just knowin me and how much I slack! I got my first take home final, so this should be coo. I better get an A! I'm holding high standards for myself 'cause I know I would talk about another nucca to no end if they had a take home test and got anything below an A or a B! I'm serious lol! Anyway, speaking of this take home test...

My darned professor, Jessica effin Johnson gets on my last nerve. I don't know what it is about her or what kind of power trip she thinks she's on, but sistah gurl gon' have ta get straight or I'm gon have ta get straight wit' her ass, 'cha feel me? I mean 'cause I seriously think that she thinks she's teachin' a high school class. Now I know all the older folk might be sayin to me, "honey chile, you ain't THAT damn grown yet!" But just hear me out. First of all, if I'm ever payin' you to teach me and you wastin' my time on useless ass bullshit about yo' wack ass weekend and then get mad when I glance at my phone to see what time it is 'cause yo story is boring as HELL, don't come stand over me like my dag-frikkin' mother and demand that I turn my phone off and put it away. WTF?!?!!? It ain't like she was teachin' coursework, you know? I'll be so glad when the semester is over and I ain't gotta put up wit her white ass no more...and no, I'm not racist, it just felt good to say the shit...if you white reading this post, don't ever act like you ain't ever called a black person a black ass such and such, and if you ain't that bold, you don' probably said it under your breath or when you ain't around a black person. Speaking of the end of the semester...

I'm so not the morning person...I have mo' difficulty gettin up in the mornin' then anything! All my classes start at twelve at the earliest next semester! How 'bout that! And my interview went okay. I say okay just because some of the questions they asked threw me for a loop. I have never been to a job interview where they ask you questions such as, "How do you know when you've done a good job?" I mean it sort of related to the job but other than that, their questions-well the majority of their questions seemed like they were moreso tryin to get to know me more than what I could bring to the office. But whatever, maybe that was their interviewing technique!

Well that's all for right now, 'cause I'm sleepy as hell and I got stuff to do (finals!). I did have more, but I don't want to get too tired before I start, so until next time....